Ass Beagle

There's no "I" in team but there's a "u" in stupid.

And a "rant" in ignorant (uh oh) and a "me" in government.

Unless you were living in a cave with Osama bin Laden, you've no doubt heard of his demise.  Of course our president Obama deserves NO CREDIT for this because he's not George W. Bush.  I've seen several variations of "Obama's stealing all the credit" all morning but none so blatantly ignorant as the amount of times he said "I" in his address.  Such as:

He tried to count, but failed miserably.

Hmm...

Challenge accepted!

Being the righteously indignant rambunctious little thing that I am I condescendingly reminded people of the President's role as Commander-in-Chief of our military.  You know, that guy who appoints people and gives orders and expects the military to act on these orders with ideal success.  No he didn't pull the trigger but he told who to pull the trigger and when.  Without that this would have never happened and if it did it would have been a crime and a shitstorm of epic proportions.

Then it happened.  Somebody on Facebook with the middle name "TuckerMax" (seriously?) insisted I count how many times Obama said "I" in his speech.

Well, this is for the obviously intelligent individual who finds no irony in sandwiching "TuckerMax" between his first and last name:


I copied and pasted Obama's speech into Microsoft Word and this is what I discovered:

He said "I" a total of 10 times.

But I didn't stop there.

He said "we" a total of 40 times.
He said "our" a total of 47 times.
He said "us" a total of 7 times.

So in 1,387 words he referred to himself ten whole times and to the joint effort 94 times.

For fucks sake Obama:

 Do it for the (people who act like) children.

Pedoberry Shortcake wants to be friends on Facebook!

Recently people have been changing their Facebook profile pictures to cartoons/childhood memories to raise child abuse awareness.  Not long after this surge of slacktivism, the NSPCC (or possibly child abusers who want to keep child abuse a secret) let us know that this was not to raise awareness but actually a trick by pedophiles to get your kids to friend them on Facebook.

THIS IS HOW YOU LET THIS HAPPEN.

The lure of a friend request from this is too strong for a child to resist.

Do you want to hear a story...about the time I totally tricked your stupid ass kid into friending me?

First of all,  why do your kids have Facebooks?  It's against the TOS so you're lying or enabling your children to lie at a young age just so they can socially network with people much older than them.  That's some lovely values and traits you're instilling in your children there, I can't wait until they shortchange me at McDonalds in ten years so they can buy Madden '21.  Rather than teaching your kid STRANGER DANGER, you're just teaching them how to lie.

So can you really be surprised when your kid is too stupid to know that Champ Bear isn't really behind the screen when they get this:

Friend me or I'll fucking beat you with this bat

So BECAUSE YOU TURNED YOUR KIDS INTO LIARS instead of junior safety officers, little liar Suzy or cheater Johnny accepts Champ Bear and Teddy Ruxpin into their social circle and they think everything is fine and dandy because they're friends with their favorite characters.  You're none the wiser as they're probably unsupervised due to your lack of concern, because it's so much more important for your kid to be socially connected than it is for them to be safe.   So why hover, why restrict them? 

So when they open their inbox to this one day:

Your turn...

It's no surprise when your 7 year old is scrambling through the picture shoebox for the innocent bath time Polaroids and is trying to plug in the scanner you got in 1995 to send it off to the pedo hiding behind Strawberry Shortcake.  Now your child is prey.  How did this slippery slope occur?

Because you changed your profile picture to this pale horse of the apocalypse

And while you were reading this blog instead of taking care of your kids, I called CPS/DCFS.  Suckers.

Drive this!

I had an appointment to see my neurologist today, and I was cutting it close so I opted for a cab instead of the train in an effort to get somewhere on time for once in my life.

You already know this didn't work out, or it wouldn't be here.

First, I succinctly gave the address of the location at which I would have liked to be dropped off.  The conversation went like this.

Me: I would like to go to *8 SOUTH Booblebobble please.
Him.  8 SOUTH Booblebobble?
Me: Yes, 8 SOUTH Booblebobble, thank you.

In this conversation I feel secure that I will get to where I am going in this cab.  Minutes later he takes me to 500 SOUTH Booblebobble.  My fare is 6 dollars and something.  He gestures for me to pay and go.

Me: Excuse me, no, I said I would like to go to 8 SOUTH Booblebobble. 
Him:  You said 8th street and Booblebobble
Me: No, I said 8 SOUTH Booblebobble.  You repeated the address back to me.  Take me to where I asked you to please.

He huffs, he drives.

He pulls up ACROSS THE STREET from 8 NORTH Booblebobble.
Me:  Wha?  What is this?  I don't even?  Fine, whatever.  I'll get out here.  Let me know when I can swipe my card.
(the fare is well over ten dollars now)
Him: No, just give me cash.
Me: I don't have cash, I will pay you with my card.
Him: Why don't you have cash?  You stupid American, just get out of my cab.
Me: Why do you have a card machine if you don't take cards, yet I'm the stupid one?
Him: Just get out.



I get out.  I walk the couple blocks to my appointment.  I'm twenty minutes late, so I have to wait for other people to be seen before I can get in.  Thanks asshole.  But what you didn't realize is while you were calling me stupid, I was taking cell phone pics of your cab license and number so you're going to be reported for your blatant ignorance and verbal abuse and I might even send you a nice letter to the tune of:

First of all, when I get in your cab:

When I tell you where I want to go multiple times, you may want to take one of those times to listen the fuck up

Secondly, it's not legal for you to provide me a means to pay with a credit/debit card and then prevent me from doing so.  If you want to pick up people who will pay only cash then maybe avoid the girl in the coat missing several buttons and try this guy.

Has loads of cash, and probably fucks bitches

If you do find yourself in a situation where the passenger doesn't have cash

Don't do this.

Finally, I've enclosed a sign that might deter any future conflicts:

Fuck off.

*address has been altered to protect my neurologist.  he thinks I'm crazy enough.

Stupid Ways my Coworker Spells Shit

                                                  It's actually "hazardous gases"                                                             

It should be noted that the nature of our business is hazardous materials (like gases!).  This is something she has to know to do her job.

I'm not sick HEY LOOK AT ME

                           Hi I'm Typhoid Mary.  I'm not sick.  Go away.  I'm going to keep making your food now.  Hey why are you ALL DEAD?

I have an ill coworker who is usually across the office from me, but by some horrid twist of fate she is across my partition filing on the day she is sick.  Not UTI or distended bowel sick – something that would make only her uncomfortable and not ever concern me – but coughing, sneezing, sniffling, boohooing sick.  All of this while hovering over my cube. 

Her boss approaches her in a way that indicates “I would be wearing a hazmat suit you gross bitch but I think I’m not allowed to offend you because I’m a man and you’re a woman and you can say it’s sexual harassment” and asks her if she’d like to go home because she sounds awful.  She moans and groans about how she has enough work to keep her busy for a year, so no.  Her boss drops the feigned concern and says “Ok fine, don’t come near me then”, to which she replies with all seriousness “Oh it’s bacterial, it’s fine”.

Serious fucking business.  No sarcasm.  No half smile.  No smirk.  “Oh it’s bacterial, it’s fine”.

Are you fucking kidding me?  In what fuckside down world do you live in where bacteria aren’t spread through coughing and sneezing, and how the fuck do I get a condo there?  OH WAIT YOU DON’T, you live in MY world and are cropdusting MY cubicle with YOUR germs and clogging up MY shitty immune system THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING.  THANKS!

Also bacterial, and fine:

                                                                 The bubonic fucking plague

It should be noted that she has so much work that will keep her busy for a year, she's surrounded herself by boys talking about how great she is because she likes the music they like. Guess you're not too sick or too busy to be an attention whore.

What the people I blog about may drive me to