There's no "I" in team but there's a "u" in stupid.

And a "rant" in ignorant (uh oh) and a "me" in government.

Unless you were living in a cave with Osama bin Laden, you've no doubt heard of his demise.  Of course our president Obama deserves NO CREDIT for this because he's not George W. Bush.  I've seen several variations of "Obama's stealing all the credit" all morning but none so blatantly ignorant as the amount of times he said "I" in his address.  Such as:

He tried to count, but failed miserably.

Hmm...

Challenge accepted!

Being the righteously indignant rambunctious little thing that I am I condescendingly reminded people of the President's role as Commander-in-Chief of our military.  You know, that guy who appoints people and gives orders and expects the military to act on these orders with ideal success.  No he didn't pull the trigger but he told who to pull the trigger and when.  Without that this would have never happened and if it did it would have been a crime and a shitstorm of epic proportions.

Then it happened.  Somebody on Facebook with the middle name "TuckerMax" (seriously?) insisted I count how many times Obama said "I" in his speech.

Well, this is for the obviously intelligent individual who finds no irony in sandwiching "TuckerMax" between his first and last name:


I copied and pasted Obama's speech into Microsoft Word and this is what I discovered:

He said "I" a total of 10 times.

But I didn't stop there.

He said "we" a total of 40 times.
He said "our" a total of 47 times.
He said "us" a total of 7 times.

So in 1,387 words he referred to himself ten whole times and to the joint effort 94 times.

For fucks sake Obama:

 Do it for the (people who act like) children.

Pedoberry Shortcake wants to be friends on Facebook!

Recently people have been changing their Facebook profile pictures to cartoons/childhood memories to raise child abuse awareness.  Not long after this surge of slacktivism, the NSPCC (or possibly child abusers who want to keep child abuse a secret) let us know that this was not to raise awareness but actually a trick by pedophiles to get your kids to friend them on Facebook.

THIS IS HOW YOU LET THIS HAPPEN.

The lure of a friend request from this is too strong for a child to resist.

Do you want to hear a story...about the time I totally tricked your stupid ass kid into friending me?

First of all,  why do your kids have Facebooks?  It's against the TOS so you're lying or enabling your children to lie at a young age just so they can socially network with people much older than them.  That's some lovely values and traits you're instilling in your children there, I can't wait until they shortchange me at McDonalds in ten years so they can buy Madden '21.  Rather than teaching your kid STRANGER DANGER, you're just teaching them how to lie.

So can you really be surprised when your kid is too stupid to know that Champ Bear isn't really behind the screen when they get this:

Friend me or I'll fucking beat you with this bat

So BECAUSE YOU TURNED YOUR KIDS INTO LIARS instead of junior safety officers, little liar Suzy or cheater Johnny accepts Champ Bear and Teddy Ruxpin into their social circle and they think everything is fine and dandy because they're friends with their favorite characters.  You're none the wiser as they're probably unsupervised due to your lack of concern, because it's so much more important for your kid to be socially connected than it is for them to be safe.   So why hover, why restrict them? 

So when they open their inbox to this one day:

Your turn...

It's no surprise when your 7 year old is scrambling through the picture shoebox for the innocent bath time Polaroids and is trying to plug in the scanner you got in 1995 to send it off to the pedo hiding behind Strawberry Shortcake.  Now your child is prey.  How did this slippery slope occur?

Because you changed your profile picture to this pale horse of the apocalypse

And while you were reading this blog instead of taking care of your kids, I called CPS/DCFS.  Suckers.

Special ironies pt 2

I got a Facebook response to my last post that I felt was too funny to not share. To add some backstory, after I made my comment I went back and left the disclaimer that I did not find people with special needs sick or gross or any such thing. I said that I found it a little exploitative of a group of people who probably just wanted to blend in and not want to be put on the spot and that I just found the specific post amusingly contradicting. I got this response:





I guess in the interest of keeping the peace and being annoying the OP deleted the thread before I could grab a screen shot so I had to pull this from my e-mail notifications. Thus the fuzziness. The person responding to me said this:

"I don't understand how you get "exploit" from "in HONOR of all "special needs children." We have black week, black month, Veterans day etc.. Are we exploiting Jesus with Christmas? Are "exploiting" everyone with Lupus with a walk for Lupus? Or breast cancer? I'm sorry for you that you find people with infirmities, "mildly amusing" or in ANY way amusing."

I did get a chance to respond before the post got deleted, but like I said, I didn't get a chance to cap it before it disappeared to pass it on to you.

I basically said that from my point of view, as somebody who's recently experienced something that separates me from my peers, I feel that if my office had a "Special Needs and Differences Awareness and Acknowledgment Hour" I'd probably shit myself with anxiety. She may mean well but people who want to be treated normal and to blend in...want to be treated normal and WANT TO BLEND IN and can't if everybody is focusing on them.

I also told her I find it hilarious that she considers being a veteran, black, or Jesus an infirmity.

Special ironies

Just to clarify, I do not advocate calling anybody with "special needs" sick or gross. But I do find this incredibly ironic and a tad ignorant. They just want to be accepted, which implies they wanted to be treated normal right? So let's exploit that and give them a "special" hour on a social networking site? I just find this mildly amusing. On a personal note, I find it incredibly annoying.

You haven't heard from me in awhile because I recently suffered a hemorrhage, blood clot, stroke, and a seizure. I spent about ten days in the hospital, and consider myself very lucky to be as...well...ok as I am now. Today is my first day back at work. My most severe anxiety since I've been in the clear has been how my coworkers would react to my return. Will they stare at me? Ask me uncomfortable questions? Or even worse, treat me different? The last thing I would want is for them to FOCUS ON MY AFFLICTION FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR AND SHARE IT WITH THEIR FACEBOOK FRIENDS.

No, I do not compare having a stroke to having "special needs" but I do compare it to having something different from most of my peers. Something that they may not understand. So I think I get to gripe about this. Well, you know what, I get to gripe about this because I'm a person with a blog and fuck you.

Oh look a bubble, let me burst it

Hipster hate pt 2: The rehipstering

Swiped from my FB buddy Angie, Pryncess on LSG!

Choke on your unrealistic feel good horseshit, then wear it

A jobless Facebook acquaintance posted this:

I find it to be such condescending bullshit to somebody who actually has to put forth an iota of effort to take care of themselves.  I could live my dream and wear my passion too if I was living in someone else's house and not paying rent.

So instead of "liking" this like every other freeloading whore on Facebook, I'll tear it to shreds like the unrealistic feel good hot yoga eat raw piece of crap it is.

This is your life.  Do what you love, and do it often.

Sure, I love working day to day to pay for my overpriced studio in a mediocre neighborhood and feed myself on a day to day basis.  After travel time it takes about 12 hours out of my day which leaves me just enough time to make sure my clothes don't smell like sweat and feces.  It also gives me just enough time to blog about how much I hate everybody, which I love to do so I guess you win there jpeg.

If you don't like something, change it.

I don't like that Tea Partiers are allowed to live.  Let me go press my "kill button".  Wait.  Why are they still alive.  WHAT THE FUCK JPEG YOU JUST IMPLIED THAT I HAD THE POWER AND WAS ENTITLED TO CHANGE ANYTHING THAT I DIDN'T LIKE, AS IF I WAS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD AFFECTED BY THINGS AND AS IF IT WAS AN EASY TASK!!! WHAT!!!

If you don't like your job, quit.

Ok.  Hey job, I don't like you.  In fact, I don't like working at all.  I quit.  I quit working.  Hey wait...what's happening?  Who are these greasy men taking away my belongings?  Why is my landlord making me leave?  YOU MEAN I HAVE TO PAY YOU WITH MONEY I EARN FROM WORKING *sputters* WTF this JPEG on the internet said that if I didn't like working I could quit and it sort of implied that would make my life better!  Being homeless and starving is not better! WTF INTERNET!

If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV.

Well now I'm confused because for one thing, I don't have a television.  But if I was watching TV, it's safe to assume it's because I like to...maybe even love it.  The first thing you told me to do here is do what I love and do it often.  MAKE UP YOUR MIND.  Or better yet STOP BEING A DICK.  Remember when I said I don't have a television?  What if I still don't have time?  Oh that's right, I should quit my job.  Or skip a meal.  Or stop sleeping.  I like that an individual's lack of time is wrongdoing on their part.

If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.

No, they wont.  They will be doing their own thing and living their own lives because despite what people who share this sort of shit believes, people don't exist for you.  The person who loves you or the person you fall in love with existed before they met you, they were their own person and after you get together they will continue to be their own person. They weren't put on this earth to be the love of your life.  They are an individual and you will cross paths by chance and it will be awesome.  It is not fate, it is not because you had a revelation and decided to start following the advice of some bullshit on Facebook.  It's all chance.  It's two individuals meeting and becoming something greater.

Stop over analyzing, all emotions are beautiful.

Like my white hot murderous rage?

When you eat, appreciate every last bite.

Bullshit.  Sometimes it's ok to eat to NOT HAVE AN EMPTY STOMACH.  Sometimes it's ok to get a dollar double cheeseburger from McDonalds to not feel nauseated or cranky between meals.  Wolf that shit down and go about your business.  Instead of wasting time to appreciate EVERY.LAST.BITE of that wet hot nasty shit, how about you go use that time to do something useful.  Like watch TV.

Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences.

I dare you to try to embrace this the next time some ignorant bigot starts rambling about the ground zero mosque again.  Go ahead.  Open your mind, arms, and heart to them.  You are united in your differences.  You in your intelligence and tolerance of others.  Them in their ignorance and intolerant hatred.  Yay!

Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them.

Yes next time you're at the bar ask the man next to you what his passion is and when he's done telling you about his rape shed, perhaps your inspiring dream can be to not end up inside of it.  Oh wait, that would never happen because everybody is always good and happy and loving and nobody is ever bad or dangerous when happy go lucky feel good chain letters are floating around the internet am I right?

Edit: and please God no don't do this, because this is obviously just you seeking an opportunity to prattle on about yourself and I don't care.  What is my passion?  Avoiding vapid idiots, and not listening to your inspiring dream.

Travel often, getting lost will help you find yourself.

Because nobody has ever gotten lost and made a wrong turn into a bad area and has gotten raped, murdered, or disappeared entirely.

Some opportunities only come once, seize them.

No matter how much it costs, no matter who it hurts.

Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them so go out and start creating.

Because when you're vapid, the silence of solitude is just that excruciating.

Life is short.  Live your dream, and wear your passion.

Like I said, this is easy to do when someone else is taking care of you, isn't it?

Again, this is such a condescending pile of crap for people who are just trying to live their lives.  The implication that yes life IS beautiful and if it's not it's obviously YOUR fault because everything is in YOUR control ALL THE TIME is ignorant and stupid.  Sometimes an asshole runs over your dog.  Sometimes your best friend has a miscarriage.  Sometimes your spouse dies from a disease.  Sometimes your parent commits suicide.  Sometimes you get raped.  Sometimes you lose your job.  Sometimes your house burns down.  Sometimes your car dies.  There's fuckall you can do.   None of that is beautiful.  Let's just blatantly ignore the dark side of life and tell people they aren't happy because they watch tv and aren't doing the things they love.

No, I'm not happy because you're fucking stupid and there are more of you than me.

Pledge of Fail