Monday, December 6, 2010

Pedoberry Shortcake wants to be friends on Facebook!

Recently people have been changing their Facebook profile pictures to cartoons/childhood memories to raise child abuse awareness.  Not long after this surge of slacktivism, the NSPCC (or possibly child abusers who want to keep child abuse a secret) let us know that this was not to raise awareness but actually a trick by pedophiles to get your kids to friend them on Facebook.


The lure of a friend request from this is too strong for a child to resist.

Do you want to hear a story...about the time I totally tricked your stupid ass kid into friending me?

First of all,  why do your kids have Facebooks?  It's against the TOS so you're lying or enabling your children to lie at a young age just so they can socially network with people much older than them.  That's some lovely values and traits you're instilling in your children there, I can't wait until they shortchange me at McDonalds in ten years so they can buy Madden '21.  Rather than teaching your kid STRANGER DANGER, you're just teaching them how to lie.

So can you really be surprised when your kid is too stupid to know that Champ Bear isn't really behind the screen when they get this:

Friend me or I'll fucking beat you with this bat

So BECAUSE YOU TURNED YOUR KIDS INTO LIARS instead of junior safety officers, little liar Suzy or cheater Johnny accepts Champ Bear and Teddy Ruxpin into their social circle and they think everything is fine and dandy because they're friends with their favorite characters.  You're none the wiser as they're probably unsupervised due to your lack of concern, because it's so much more important for your kid to be socially connected than it is for them to be safe.   So why hover, why restrict them? 

So when they open their inbox to this one day:

Your turn...

It's no surprise when your 7 year old is scrambling through the picture shoebox for the innocent bath time Polaroids and is trying to plug in the scanner you got in 1995 to send it off to the pedo hiding behind Strawberry Shortcake.  Now your child is prey.  How did this slippery slope occur?

Because you changed your profile picture to this pale horse of the apocalypse

And while you were reading this blog instead of taking care of your kids, I called CPS/DCFS.  Suckers.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Drive this!

I had an appointment to see my neurologist today, and I was cutting it close so I opted for a cab instead of the train in an effort to get somewhere on time for once in my life.

You already know this didn't work out, or it wouldn't be here.

First, I succinctly gave the address of the location at which I would have liked to be dropped off.  The conversation went like this.

Me: I would like to go to *8 SOUTH Booblebobble please.
Him.  8 SOUTH Booblebobble?
Me: Yes, 8 SOUTH Booblebobble, thank you.

In this conversation I feel secure that I will get to where I am going in this cab.  Minutes later he takes me to 500 SOUTH Booblebobble.  My fare is 6 dollars and something.  He gestures for me to pay and go.

Me: Excuse me, no, I said I would like to go to 8 SOUTH Booblebobble. 
Him:  You said 8th street and Booblebobble
Me: No, I said 8 SOUTH Booblebobble.  You repeated the address back to me.  Take me to where I asked you to please.

He huffs, he drives.

He pulls up ACROSS THE STREET from 8 NORTH Booblebobble.
Me:  Wha?  What is this?  I don't even?  Fine, whatever.  I'll get out here.  Let me know when I can swipe my card.
(the fare is well over ten dollars now)
Him: No, just give me cash.
Me: I don't have cash, I will pay you with my card.
Him: Why don't you have cash?  You stupid American, just get out of my cab.
Me: Why do you have a card machine if you don't take cards, yet I'm the stupid one?
Him: Just get out.

I get out.  I walk the couple blocks to my appointment.  I'm twenty minutes late, so I have to wait for other people to be seen before I can get in.  Thanks asshole.  But what you didn't realize is while you were calling me stupid, I was taking cell phone pics of your cab license and number so you're going to be reported for your blatant ignorance and verbal abuse and I might even send you a nice letter to the tune of:

First of all, when I get in your cab:

When I tell you where I want to go multiple times, you may want to take one of those times to listen the fuck up

Secondly, it's not legal for you to provide me a means to pay with a credit/debit card and then prevent me from doing so.  If you want to pick up people who will pay only cash then maybe avoid the girl in the coat missing several buttons and try this guy.

Has loads of cash, and probably fucks bitches

If you do find yourself in a situation where the passenger doesn't have cash

Don't do this.

Finally, I've enclosed a sign that might deter any future conflicts:

Fuck off.

*address has been altered to protect my neurologist.  he thinks I'm crazy enough.