Pedoberry Shortcake wants to be friends on Facebook!

Recently people have been changing their Facebook profile pictures to cartoons/childhood memories to raise child abuse awareness.  Not long after this surge of slacktivism, the NSPCC (or possibly child abusers who want to keep child abuse a secret) let us know that this was not to raise awareness but actually a trick by pedophiles to get your kids to friend them on Facebook.

THIS IS HOW YOU LET THIS HAPPEN.

The lure of a friend request from this is too strong for a child to resist.

Do you want to hear a story...about the time I totally tricked your stupid ass kid into friending me?

First of all,  why do your kids have Facebooks?  It's against the TOS so you're lying or enabling your children to lie at a young age just so they can socially network with people much older than them.  That's some lovely values and traits you're instilling in your children there, I can't wait until they shortchange me at McDonalds in ten years so they can buy Madden '21.  Rather than teaching your kid STRANGER DANGER, you're just teaching them how to lie.

So can you really be surprised when your kid is too stupid to know that Champ Bear isn't really behind the screen when they get this:

Friend me or I'll fucking beat you with this bat

So BECAUSE YOU TURNED YOUR KIDS INTO LIARS instead of junior safety officers, little liar Suzy or cheater Johnny accepts Champ Bear and Teddy Ruxpin into their social circle and they think everything is fine and dandy because they're friends with their favorite characters.  You're none the wiser as they're probably unsupervised due to your lack of concern, because it's so much more important for your kid to be socially connected than it is for them to be safe.   So why hover, why restrict them? 

So when they open their inbox to this one day:

Your turn...

It's no surprise when your 7 year old is scrambling through the picture shoebox for the innocent bath time Polaroids and is trying to plug in the scanner you got in 1995 to send it off to the pedo hiding behind Strawberry Shortcake.  Now your child is prey.  How did this slippery slope occur?

Because you changed your profile picture to this pale horse of the apocalypse

And while you were reading this blog instead of taking care of your kids, I called CPS/DCFS.  Suckers.

Drive this!

I had an appointment to see my neurologist today, and I was cutting it close so I opted for a cab instead of the train in an effort to get somewhere on time for once in my life.

You already know this didn't work out, or it wouldn't be here.

First, I succinctly gave the address of the location at which I would have liked to be dropped off.  The conversation went like this.

Me: I would like to go to *8 SOUTH Booblebobble please.
Him.  8 SOUTH Booblebobble?
Me: Yes, 8 SOUTH Booblebobble, thank you.

In this conversation I feel secure that I will get to where I am going in this cab.  Minutes later he takes me to 500 SOUTH Booblebobble.  My fare is 6 dollars and something.  He gestures for me to pay and go.

Me: Excuse me, no, I said I would like to go to 8 SOUTH Booblebobble. 
Him:  You said 8th street and Booblebobble
Me: No, I said 8 SOUTH Booblebobble.  You repeated the address back to me.  Take me to where I asked you to please.

He huffs, he drives.

He pulls up ACROSS THE STREET from 8 NORTH Booblebobble.
Me:  Wha?  What is this?  I don't even?  Fine, whatever.  I'll get out here.  Let me know when I can swipe my card.
(the fare is well over ten dollars now)
Him: No, just give me cash.
Me: I don't have cash, I will pay you with my card.
Him: Why don't you have cash?  You stupid American, just get out of my cab.
Me: Why do you have a card machine if you don't take cards, yet I'm the stupid one?
Him: Just get out.



I get out.  I walk the couple blocks to my appointment.  I'm twenty minutes late, so I have to wait for other people to be seen before I can get in.  Thanks asshole.  But what you didn't realize is while you were calling me stupid, I was taking cell phone pics of your cab license and number so you're going to be reported for your blatant ignorance and verbal abuse and I might even send you a nice letter to the tune of:

First of all, when I get in your cab:

When I tell you where I want to go multiple times, you may want to take one of those times to listen the fuck up

Secondly, it's not legal for you to provide me a means to pay with a credit/debit card and then prevent me from doing so.  If you want to pick up people who will pay only cash then maybe avoid the girl in the coat missing several buttons and try this guy.

Has loads of cash, and probably fucks bitches

If you do find yourself in a situation where the passenger doesn't have cash

Don't do this.

Finally, I've enclosed a sign that might deter any future conflicts:

Fuck off.

*address has been altered to protect my neurologist.  he thinks I'm crazy enough.

Stupid Ways my Coworker Spells Shit

                                                  It's actually "hazardous gases"                                                             

It should be noted that the nature of our business is hazardous materials (like gases!).  This is something she has to know to do her job.

I'm not sick HEY LOOK AT ME

                           Hi I'm Typhoid Mary.  I'm not sick.  Go away.  I'm going to keep making your food now.  Hey why are you ALL DEAD?

I have an ill coworker who is usually across the office from me, but by some horrid twist of fate she is across my partition filing on the day she is sick.  Not UTI or distended bowel sick – something that would make only her uncomfortable and not ever concern me – but coughing, sneezing, sniffling, boohooing sick.  All of this while hovering over my cube. 

Her boss approaches her in a way that indicates “I would be wearing a hazmat suit you gross bitch but I think I’m not allowed to offend you because I’m a man and you’re a woman and you can say it’s sexual harassment” and asks her if she’d like to go home because she sounds awful.  She moans and groans about how she has enough work to keep her busy for a year, so no.  Her boss drops the feigned concern and says “Ok fine, don’t come near me then”, to which she replies with all seriousness “Oh it’s bacterial, it’s fine”.

Serious fucking business.  No sarcasm.  No half smile.  No smirk.  “Oh it’s bacterial, it’s fine”.

Are you fucking kidding me?  In what fuckside down world do you live in where bacteria aren’t spread through coughing and sneezing, and how the fuck do I get a condo there?  OH WAIT YOU DON’T, you live in MY world and are cropdusting MY cubicle with YOUR germs and clogging up MY shitty immune system THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING.  THANKS!

Also bacterial, and fine:

                                                                 The bubonic fucking plague

It should be noted that she has so much work that will keep her busy for a year, she's surrounded herself by boys talking about how great she is because she likes the music they like. Guess you're not too sick or too busy to be an attention whore.

What the people I blog about may drive me to

As my heart bleeds on your hasty generalization

 

Pardon my spelling/grammatical errors.  This one was sloppy.  It was late and I was in a narcotic painkiller fog.

The links in the pictures don't work, obviously.  But if you feel the way he does, you're free to stop reading my blog and start googling these names to educate yourself.

Crossword Fail

I ended up looking up the answers for these.

To make bitter ended up being "Soured". Sorry crossword, but sour is a separate taste sensation than bitter. They aren't the same thing.

Volcanic rock turned out to be "lava". Lava is molten rock and it becomes volcanic rock after it hardens and solidifies. Lava and volcanic rock are never the same thing at the same time. Once upon a time volcanic rock was lava, but not when it's igneous rock. I don't think of cool, smooth glass when I think of "lava". Why do you?

How do you fail at making crosswords when that's your job? I know this and I had a stroke, what's your excuse?

So does anybody want to come over tonight and play in lava since it's cool, smooth, and solid and wont hurt us?

Thanks but I don't need you making my fat white ass looking worse

Oh, Yahoo comments. One of my favorite internet slums. As my boyfriend says: where intelligence goes to die.






No, that's not a racist comment at all. Because white people aren't racist anymore right?






Like Korea, China, Tibet, those Christians killing Africans in Rwanda, and those Mexican drug cartels. Muslims are right in the center, orchestrating all of that. Didn't you know?

I've come to the conclusion that Yahoo comments exist so people can pontificate and validate each others pathetic paranoia. It's best for intelligent people to ignore it, because it's just going to make the rage boil. At the same time, how could you pass this shit up? It's hilarious, until you realize they're serious.

Gotta love stupidity. It really is the best defense and offense. It's large in numbers and unwavering. There is a zero percent success rate when it comes to conversion.

Special ironies pt 2

I got a Facebook response to my last post that I felt was too funny to not share. To add some backstory, after I made my comment I went back and left the disclaimer that I did not find people with special needs sick or gross or any such thing. I said that I found it a little exploitative of a group of people who probably just wanted to blend in and not want to be put on the spot and that I just found the specific post amusingly contradicting. I got this response:





I guess in the interest of keeping the peace and being annoying the OP deleted the thread before I could grab a screen shot so I had to pull this from my e-mail notifications. Thus the fuzziness. The person responding to me said this:

"I don't understand how you get "exploit" from "in HONOR of all "special needs children." We have black week, black month, Veterans day etc.. Are we exploiting Jesus with Christmas? Are "exploiting" everyone with Lupus with a walk for Lupus? Or breast cancer? I'm sorry for you that you find people with infirmities, "mildly amusing" or in ANY way amusing."

I did get a chance to respond before the post got deleted, but like I said, I didn't get a chance to cap it before it disappeared to pass it on to you.

I basically said that from my point of view, as somebody who's recently experienced something that separates me from my peers, I feel that if my office had a "Special Needs and Differences Awareness and Acknowledgment Hour" I'd probably shit myself with anxiety. She may mean well but people who want to be treated normal and to blend in...want to be treated normal and WANT TO BLEND IN and can't if everybody is focusing on them.

I also told her I find it hilarious that she considers being a veteran, black, or Jesus an infirmity.

Special ironies

Just to clarify, I do not advocate calling anybody with "special needs" sick or gross. But I do find this incredibly ironic and a tad ignorant. They just want to be accepted, which implies they wanted to be treated normal right? So let's exploit that and give them a "special" hour on a social networking site? I just find this mildly amusing. On a personal note, I find it incredibly annoying.

You haven't heard from me in awhile because I recently suffered a hemorrhage, blood clot, stroke, and a seizure. I spent about ten days in the hospital, and consider myself very lucky to be as...well...ok as I am now. Today is my first day back at work. My most severe anxiety since I've been in the clear has been how my coworkers would react to my return. Will they stare at me? Ask me uncomfortable questions? Or even worse, treat me different? The last thing I would want is for them to FOCUS ON MY AFFLICTION FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR AND SHARE IT WITH THEIR FACEBOOK FRIENDS.

No, I do not compare having a stroke to having "special needs" but I do compare it to having something different from most of my peers. Something that they may not understand. So I think I get to gripe about this. Well, you know what, I get to gripe about this because I'm a person with a blog and fuck you.

Things that make you a #stupidhipsterdouchebag

Hipster Superheroes

OH at work

Dumb Whore: Have you seen American Psycho with Christian Bale?
Retarded Douche: Is that the one with the shower?


._.



This is just another example of the stupid shit I have to put up with on a daily basis.

Oh look a bubble, let me burst it

A quickie

Some dumb whore I work with just said:

"any time you cook a vegetable it loses it's vitamins"

I laughed my ass off internally until I saw the gaggle of faces around her widen their eyes and go "REALLY??"

Wow.

No you dumb cow, cooking a vegetable does not strip it of it's vitamin content. It does not become a vitaminless tasteless mash of goo with no nutritional value once you apply heat to it. It's ok to cook your vegetables. Since most people steam, boil, or microwave vegetables they retain most of their nutritional value so ALL IS WELL IN VEGETABLE LAND. It's ok. Constrict your pupils.

Also? Newsflash guys...unless you're buying your vegetables fresh - they're already slightly cooked, or blanched.

For the record, if you're looking to strip your vegetables of most of your vitamins, bake them to dryness since a lot of the content is water soluble, or just fry them because fried food is FUCKING DELICIOUS.

I love this stupid hipster vegan or whatever raw food OMG HEAT KILLS VITAMINS line of thought...no idiots it actually kills bacteria so cook your shit...you don't have Celiac disease you probably have a fucking parasite

Btw, I fucking hate working with you and I hope you choke on a raw carrot.

Hipster Hate 3: Return of the Hate

Bein' a Dickhead's Cool brought to my attention by the lovely Mrs Jones/KazJones,




CREDIT ROLL!!! (pretend it's rolling guys)

TWITTER: follow @thegrandspec

Lyrics:
Got on the train from Cambridgeshire
Moved down to an East London flat
Got a moustache and a low cut vest
Some purple leggings
and a sailor tat
Just one gear on my fixie bike
got a plus one here for my gig tonight
I play synth...
We all play synth
20-20 vision just a pair of empty frames
Dressing like a nerd although i never got the grades
I remember when the kids at school would call me names
Now were taking over their estates
woah ho

(chorus)
I love my life as a dickhead
All my friends are dickheads too
come with me lets be dickheads
(havent you heard?)
being a dickhead's cool
being a dickhead's cool
being a dickhead's cool
being a dickhead's cool cool cooooool

Polaroid app on my iphone
taking pictures on London Fields
up on the blog so everyone knows
were having new age fun, with a vintage feel
coolest kids at a warehouse rave
exclusive list look theres my name
I got in...
You couldn't get in

never bought a pack of fags i only roll my own
plugging in my laptop at the starbucks down the road
say i work in media im really on the dole
im the coolest guy you'll ever know
woah ho


(chorus)
I love my life as a dickhead
All my friends are dickheads too
come with me lets be dickheads
(havent you heard?)
being a dickhead's cool
being a dickhead's cool
being a dickhead's cool
being a dickhead's cool cool cooooool

Loafers with no socks
Electropop meets southern hip hop
Indeterminate sexual preference
Something retro on my necklace

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MORE COMEDY SOON FROM THE GRAND SPECTACULAR

(c) SPmusic 2010 all rights reserved

Hipster hate pt 2: The rehipstering

Swiped from my FB buddy Angie, Pryncess on LSG!

Choke on your unrealistic feel good horseshit, then wear it

A jobless Facebook acquaintance posted this:

I find it to be such condescending bullshit to somebody who actually has to put forth an iota of effort to take care of themselves.  I could live my dream and wear my passion too if I was living in someone else's house and not paying rent.

So instead of "liking" this like every other freeloading whore on Facebook, I'll tear it to shreds like the unrealistic feel good hot yoga eat raw piece of crap it is.

This is your life.  Do what you love, and do it often.

Sure, I love working day to day to pay for my overpriced studio in a mediocre neighborhood and feed myself on a day to day basis.  After travel time it takes about 12 hours out of my day which leaves me just enough time to make sure my clothes don't smell like sweat and feces.  It also gives me just enough time to blog about how much I hate everybody, which I love to do so I guess you win there jpeg.

If you don't like something, change it.

I don't like that Tea Partiers are allowed to live.  Let me go press my "kill button".  Wait.  Why are they still alive.  WHAT THE FUCK JPEG YOU JUST IMPLIED THAT I HAD THE POWER AND WAS ENTITLED TO CHANGE ANYTHING THAT I DIDN'T LIKE, AS IF I WAS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD AFFECTED BY THINGS AND AS IF IT WAS AN EASY TASK!!! WHAT!!!

If you don't like your job, quit.

Ok.  Hey job, I don't like you.  In fact, I don't like working at all.  I quit.  I quit working.  Hey wait...what's happening?  Who are these greasy men taking away my belongings?  Why is my landlord making me leave?  YOU MEAN I HAVE TO PAY YOU WITH MONEY I EARN FROM WORKING *sputters* WTF this JPEG on the internet said that if I didn't like working I could quit and it sort of implied that would make my life better!  Being homeless and starving is not better! WTF INTERNET!

If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV.

Well now I'm confused because for one thing, I don't have a television.  But if I was watching TV, it's safe to assume it's because I like to...maybe even love it.  The first thing you told me to do here is do what I love and do it often.  MAKE UP YOUR MIND.  Or better yet STOP BEING A DICK.  Remember when I said I don't have a television?  What if I still don't have time?  Oh that's right, I should quit my job.  Or skip a meal.  Or stop sleeping.  I like that an individual's lack of time is wrongdoing on their part.

If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.

No, they wont.  They will be doing their own thing and living their own lives because despite what people who share this sort of shit believes, people don't exist for you.  The person who loves you or the person you fall in love with existed before they met you, they were their own person and after you get together they will continue to be their own person. They weren't put on this earth to be the love of your life.  They are an individual and you will cross paths by chance and it will be awesome.  It is not fate, it is not because you had a revelation and decided to start following the advice of some bullshit on Facebook.  It's all chance.  It's two individuals meeting and becoming something greater.

Stop over analyzing, all emotions are beautiful.

Like my white hot murderous rage?

When you eat, appreciate every last bite.

Bullshit.  Sometimes it's ok to eat to NOT HAVE AN EMPTY STOMACH.  Sometimes it's ok to get a dollar double cheeseburger from McDonalds to not feel nauseated or cranky between meals.  Wolf that shit down and go about your business.  Instead of wasting time to appreciate EVERY.LAST.BITE of that wet hot nasty shit, how about you go use that time to do something useful.  Like watch TV.

Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences.

I dare you to try to embrace this the next time some ignorant bigot starts rambling about the ground zero mosque again.  Go ahead.  Open your mind, arms, and heart to them.  You are united in your differences.  You in your intelligence and tolerance of others.  Them in their ignorance and intolerant hatred.  Yay!

Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them.

Yes next time you're at the bar ask the man next to you what his passion is and when he's done telling you about his rape shed, perhaps your inspiring dream can be to not end up inside of it.  Oh wait, that would never happen because everybody is always good and happy and loving and nobody is ever bad or dangerous when happy go lucky feel good chain letters are floating around the internet am I right?

Edit: and please God no don't do this, because this is obviously just you seeking an opportunity to prattle on about yourself and I don't care.  What is my passion?  Avoiding vapid idiots, and not listening to your inspiring dream.

Travel often, getting lost will help you find yourself.

Because nobody has ever gotten lost and made a wrong turn into a bad area and has gotten raped, murdered, or disappeared entirely.

Some opportunities only come once, seize them.

No matter how much it costs, no matter who it hurts.

Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them so go out and start creating.

Because when you're vapid, the silence of solitude is just that excruciating.

Life is short.  Live your dream, and wear your passion.

Like I said, this is easy to do when someone else is taking care of you, isn't it?

Again, this is such a condescending pile of crap for people who are just trying to live their lives.  The implication that yes life IS beautiful and if it's not it's obviously YOUR fault because everything is in YOUR control ALL THE TIME is ignorant and stupid.  Sometimes an asshole runs over your dog.  Sometimes your best friend has a miscarriage.  Sometimes your spouse dies from a disease.  Sometimes your parent commits suicide.  Sometimes you get raped.  Sometimes you lose your job.  Sometimes your house burns down.  Sometimes your car dies.  There's fuckall you can do.   None of that is beautiful.  Let's just blatantly ignore the dark side of life and tell people they aren't happy because they watch tv and aren't doing the things they love.

No, I'm not happy because you're fucking stupid and there are more of you than me.

In which I address hipster hate

I stumbled across the Twitter account of one @rabbitwhite.  I assume it's ok to post that persons name here since their Twitter account is public.  I do not know this person, I stumbled across this from one click to another and couldn't really tell you how it happened now.  But this person did ask a question that I decided to answer.  Rather than start an all out Twitter war I will just post it here.  This person asks why hipster hate exists and makes several points about hipsters which I saw fit to address.  I make no secret of my hipster hate, so why the hell not.  I've considered inviting this person to read my answers in case he/she might actually be interested in an actual answer as opposed to just hipsters nodding at each other over Twitter, but I haven't decided one way or another yet.  Anyway, here goes:

@rabbitwhite Okay, there is something I wanna address here. And that something is hipster-hate. Why the hate? Why is the hate okay?




Because you ask questions like this and nobody cares. Because you force people to address you and nobody cares. Because you force people to deal with you and nobody cares. They’re sick of you and your constant need for attention. You’re not seeking attention you say? Then why are you asking this stupid fucking question?



@rabbitwhite First, "Hipsters" are ideally creative producers. They are going after their passions & intererests which incites anger in those who arent.



What passions and interests? Why can’t you just be passionate and interested in something and let that be that? Unless it’s a cause or you’re an activist of some kind, why do you think it’s so special that it gets a label and we all have to acknowledge it? I like apples, does that make me an Applet? Do I have to write blogs about them, force apples on you, demean you for not liking apples also, and whine when you don’t accept that I like apples?



@rabbitwhite Iis this generation of "hipster" more entrepreneurial or active than say, punx in the 80s? Hipsters are DJs, bloggers, photogs. So, maybe.


And second: "Hipsters" it seems are (ideally) living their values. Something that will ALWAYS incite anger in those who aren't.



What values? You aren’t doing anything. Those aren't jobs. There's nothing entrepreneual about taking your digital camera on a bike ride and shortening words on your blog and calling it an editorial piece. You aren't even doing THAT much. You can't even be bothered to have a actual DEBATE about something. You're just agreeing with your friends on Twitter.



@rabbitwhite The only other reason I see to hate them is that they are middle class and white with a safety-net of parents $. Is that just a stereotype?



This is just another thing that makes you annoying. You’re like children getting under the feet of people who have stuff to do.



@rabbitwhite but subculture-hate is totally a thing. some faceless mob of people to project anger onto.



No, subculture hate is something that a subculture makes up when they feel like they aren’t getting enough attention.



@rabbitwhite i was just thinking about how in the 90s ppl of "hipster" ilk were making 'zines and yeah, what else? There is SO much more now.



There really isn’t’. Zine’s are dead. Zine’s used to be quality. They used to be sporadic, and when they came out they had substance. Now everybody has a blog with word vomit and poetic diarrhea and it’s meaningless. Mine included.



@rabbitwhite the creativity has sky-rocketed. I mean, in the 60s to be alt-y meant to take drugs and protest...maybe thats reductionist, but it seems as technology grows, as psychology grows, so do we. we get smarter, more creative.



You really don’t. In the 60’s people were trying to have an experience, they were trying to transcend beyond their physical and conscious confines and they knew what they were protesting. They fought for civil rights. They protested against a useless war. Technology grew and blogging became free and easy. Everybody got a Livejournal, a Blogspot, a Facebook and a Twitter and started whining about how everybody hates hipsters. Never mind the useless war we’re currently fighting or religious intolerance in our country, am I right? Use that voice to speak out about something important…like hipster hate!



@rabbitwhite i think the prob is two things: 1. we are constantly trying to label what a "hipster" is, it's something who dresses this way making it something that is just about a look, or an idea. something that can be "posed" easily, rather than a lifestyle the way i see it is progressively & culture minded, alternative people. which have always been around, this is 1 reincarnation



YOU are constantly trying to label what a hipster is. NOBODY ELSE CARES. There is no reincarnation or movement. YOU AREN’T DOING ANYTHING. If wearing a corduroy jacket with jeans, not flushing your toilet, and riding your bike is a movement…what does it mean when my socks don’t match, I take a bus, and I just flat out forget to flush?
 
 
 
So there you have it.  That's why there's hipster hate.  To sum it up: because you ask questions like that.
 
Like I said, I've considered inviting the person to read this response to answer their question but I have my doubts as to whether or not they wanted an actual answer as opposed to validation and attention amongst other hipsters.



My problem here is that there really wasn't hipster hate to start, it was simple indifference.  You confused indifference with hatred, because if somebody isn't loving you they MUST hate you.  I simply can't just not care about you one way or another.  If you're not getting loads of attention for whatever it is you're doing then you're just not being accepted.  Or god forbid, your'e actually being oppressed.  No.  You just want to be a martyr.  My problem with hipsters today is the victim complex.  If you're an artist or an activist, fine.  Be an artist or an activist.  Not everybody has to like your art or cause.  If somebody doesn't like your art or cause, you're not being victimized somehow.  You may just not be a very good artist or they may just disagree with you.  Or god help you, somebody might just have their own taste and opinions.  How dare they, right?  It's not anger against you...it's just living their own bloody lives.

Do what you want, just leave me the hell alone.   Why is that hard?

But since you asked, it's your bloated sense of self worth and entitlement.  As if somebody owes you an explanation.  If I don't like you, that's all you get to know.  I don't owe you shit otherwise.  Why don't I like you?  Because I'm an adult and I get to form my own opinions about things and people OH AND I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO.  This isn't kindergarten, we don't all have to get along anymore.  If somebody doesn't like you , grab your Pull Ups and your cookie and get the fuck over it.  Grow up.

Pledge of Fail